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As trite as it seems, I think I really hit a pivotal point in... being me when I went to Cardiff. It was such an awesome day. Everything went right. I did not have regrets. Again, it might not seem like such a big deal, but with my social anxiety and general ridiculousness... just asking a stranger to take my photo was a huge achievement for me, one that would have marred that experience for me had I not got up the courage.
There was a moment, as I was happily leaving Roald Dahl Plass, where I realised just how happy I was. I felt very much like I'd reached the point of accomplishing what I'd come over to do - aside from the cheesy symbolism of initially loving Whoniverse and wanting to visit Cardiff, I did want to take risks, step out of my comfort zone, strive for better things than just "safe and comfortable". And though, I know, I'm not exactly hiking through the amazon rescuing baby monkeys or anything, I have stepped out of my personal comfort zone, tried to force myself to not sabotage my own enjoyment of life through fear. And at that moment, I felt like I'd achieved that. There I was, in Cardiff, day tripping in the beautiful weather, pounds in my pocket and waiting the few days until my job started, with a bed waiting for me at somewhere I could call a home. On the other side of the world from where I call home in a grander sense. I'm not worrying about how I'm not the person I want to become; I feel like I am/have become her. It's a very peaceful realisation.
Meanwhile, work.
It's going really well. It feels so good to get my brain back into gear again, feel productive and useful and feel like I'm learning stuff as I'm going along.
Though it's quite a different experience to be working in such a huge organisation (about 12,000 staff as opposed to the 10 of my previous job), it is so fabulous to be surrounded by other 20-somethings. As much as I loved the work environment and people there at my old job, I hadn't really realised just how damaging the boss's constant "you're a young person!" reiterations had been. I feel like I was constantly aware that I was the youngest, the junior; that my age was of more import than my skills (though I pulled logic on myself and reminded myself that wasn't the case constantly). But, being in an office full of coworkers who aren't Young People but just people - clever people, skilled people, professional people - I actually feel like one of them!
It's actually taking a while to get my head around. And is bringing up more issues with regards to just how I forward my own career. In accepting that junior role so much at my old workplace, I think I prevented myself maturing in a professional sense. Because that role *was* safe and comfortable and allowed a freedom of its own, but also because I stayed there for so long I didn't move on to somewhere that forced me to develop a bit more.
I had a meeting with the IT guys who ultimately made the decision to hire me. They commented that my skills must be very much in demand, that I'm a rare specialist of this software, and the capability to work with both the 'business end' and technical end. I felt a bit taken aback at this - I've been struggling to find bits of my skill sets that apply to so much of the IT job listings I've seen. Sure, MediaWiki specialists are rare, but that's partly because so few people even consider using it; specialists surely aren't in that much demand.
But also, it makes me think that maybe I should step out on a comfort zone limb and try to sell myself better. I *am* good at this, there are some skill sets that are incredibly useful and some technical knowledge that's rare; *should* I be freelancing? If I can make the kind of money that I am now then it would be a great way to go, but again - I've no idea how to start undertaking such a thing, to sell myself and my skills, to reach clients and so forth. I can do the work very well, but don't have the professional maturity to get clients, contracts, projects and so forth.
So in the meantime I no doubt sell myself short as I desperately try and fit my skill set into lowest common denominator job ads because I don't have the trained skill set of programming or whatnot. I don't know. It's like I need to sell myself to people who don't even realise they need what I have to offer, but I have not the skills, confidence or resources to actually do that. Sigh.
Maybe I'm placing too high demands on myself anyway. It's okay to realise that that kind of situation would be ideal right now, but spend some more time getting jobs by luck or working in more mundane positions while I gather experience and networking.
Anyway. I'm going to dig out my pro blog and try and get it working again, try and post to it again. Perhaps poke at my CV site some more. Find a PHP book, teach myself some new skills.
To narrow focus back again to plans in my nearer future, I'm a bit frustrated that I only get paid monthly and I've just missed a pay cycle. So basically, I won't get paid until this job is finished, which means I'm still living on my Australian dollar savings in the meantime. At least Bristol is cheaper than London, but I still need to cut down my spending. I've got tonnes of food, I shouldn't need to buy any more for a while, especially as I've got use of a freezer here!
The sister org in London is making noise about having a position for me at the end of April, maybe. I'm keeping that in mind if nothing pans out here. Ideally I'd love for another opportunity to pop up somewhere in the country not London (no offence, Londoners, I'd just like to see a bit more and spend a bit less). But I probably need to be more aggressive about that. Sigh.
/end braindump
I hope my housemates don't think I'm being a terrible slob by hanging out with the cats under a doona all day. I have been terribly productive, though. I've chatted, emailed, processed photos, written LJ posts, finished proofing my fic and made progress on my ongoing WP migration issues. These are good things!
Though I just remembered that I wanted to buy drawing pins and blutack, only now it's after 5pm. Ah well, maybe tomorrow.
Time for another cup of tea.
There was a moment, as I was happily leaving Roald Dahl Plass, where I realised just how happy I was. I felt very much like I'd reached the point of accomplishing what I'd come over to do - aside from the cheesy symbolism of initially loving Whoniverse and wanting to visit Cardiff, I did want to take risks, step out of my comfort zone, strive for better things than just "safe and comfortable". And though, I know, I'm not exactly hiking through the amazon rescuing baby monkeys or anything, I have stepped out of my personal comfort zone, tried to force myself to not sabotage my own enjoyment of life through fear. And at that moment, I felt like I'd achieved that. There I was, in Cardiff, day tripping in the beautiful weather, pounds in my pocket and waiting the few days until my job started, with a bed waiting for me at somewhere I could call a home. On the other side of the world from where I call home in a grander sense. I'm not worrying about how I'm not the person I want to become; I feel like I am/have become her. It's a very peaceful realisation.
Meanwhile, work.
It's going really well. It feels so good to get my brain back into gear again, feel productive and useful and feel like I'm learning stuff as I'm going along.
Though it's quite a different experience to be working in such a huge organisation (about 12,000 staff as opposed to the 10 of my previous job), it is so fabulous to be surrounded by other 20-somethings. As much as I loved the work environment and people there at my old job, I hadn't really realised just how damaging the boss's constant "you're a young person!" reiterations had been. I feel like I was constantly aware that I was the youngest, the junior; that my age was of more import than my skills (though I pulled logic on myself and reminded myself that wasn't the case constantly). But, being in an office full of coworkers who aren't Young People but just people - clever people, skilled people, professional people - I actually feel like one of them!
It's actually taking a while to get my head around. And is bringing up more issues with regards to just how I forward my own career. In accepting that junior role so much at my old workplace, I think I prevented myself maturing in a professional sense. Because that role *was* safe and comfortable and allowed a freedom of its own, but also because I stayed there for so long I didn't move on to somewhere that forced me to develop a bit more.
I had a meeting with the IT guys who ultimately made the decision to hire me. They commented that my skills must be very much in demand, that I'm a rare specialist of this software, and the capability to work with both the 'business end' and technical end. I felt a bit taken aback at this - I've been struggling to find bits of my skill sets that apply to so much of the IT job listings I've seen. Sure, MediaWiki specialists are rare, but that's partly because so few people even consider using it; specialists surely aren't in that much demand.
But also, it makes me think that maybe I should step out on a comfort zone limb and try to sell myself better. I *am* good at this, there are some skill sets that are incredibly useful and some technical knowledge that's rare; *should* I be freelancing? If I can make the kind of money that I am now then it would be a great way to go, but again - I've no idea how to start undertaking such a thing, to sell myself and my skills, to reach clients and so forth. I can do the work very well, but don't have the professional maturity to get clients, contracts, projects and so forth.
So in the meantime I no doubt sell myself short as I desperately try and fit my skill set into lowest common denominator job ads because I don't have the trained skill set of programming or whatnot. I don't know. It's like I need to sell myself to people who don't even realise they need what I have to offer, but I have not the skills, confidence or resources to actually do that. Sigh.
Maybe I'm placing too high demands on myself anyway. It's okay to realise that that kind of situation would be ideal right now, but spend some more time getting jobs by luck or working in more mundane positions while I gather experience and networking.
Anyway. I'm going to dig out my pro blog and try and get it working again, try and post to it again. Perhaps poke at my CV site some more. Find a PHP book, teach myself some new skills.
To narrow focus back again to plans in my nearer future, I'm a bit frustrated that I only get paid monthly and I've just missed a pay cycle. So basically, I won't get paid until this job is finished, which means I'm still living on my Australian dollar savings in the meantime. At least Bristol is cheaper than London, but I still need to cut down my spending. I've got tonnes of food, I shouldn't need to buy any more for a while, especially as I've got use of a freezer here!
The sister org in London is making noise about having a position for me at the end of April, maybe. I'm keeping that in mind if nothing pans out here. Ideally I'd love for another opportunity to pop up somewhere in the country not London (no offence, Londoners, I'd just like to see a bit more and spend a bit less). But I probably need to be more aggressive about that. Sigh.
/end braindump
I hope my housemates don't think I'm being a terrible slob by hanging out with the cats under a doona all day. I have been terribly productive, though. I've chatted, emailed, processed photos, written LJ posts, finished proofing my fic and made progress on my ongoing WP migration issues. These are good things!
Though I just remembered that I wanted to buy drawing pins and blutack, only now it's after 5pm. Ah well, maybe tomorrow.
Time for another cup of tea.