hope | And whither then I cannot say

Current Mood: disappointed
Current Location: Manchester, England
Current Music: foreign tongue - alela diane

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life

And whither then I cannot say

I just finished Bill Bryson's "Notes From a Small Island" and I am left feeling jaded. Not just because of that air of entitlement in his belabored nostalgia. But because dammit, I totally want to do that! just go where the mood takes me, explore places on a whim. Britain is the perfect place to do that because it's actually really hard to get stranded with no hope of food or accommodation in sight, honestly.

1. I have the time.

2. I have the money to do this for a short amount of time, anyway, though probably not if I wanted to do proper train travel in there, on account of fares being ridiculous unless purchased far in advance.

But. But.

3. I don't feel safe. And I fucking hate that. But it's an irrevocable fact - when I travel on my own, I don't feel entirely safe. It takes me a while to settle into a place enough to lower my stress levels when I'm just, you know, out of the house. But it still absolutely sucks that I just constantly feel this (only sometimes background) anxiety for my personal safety, pretty much at all times.

And the thing is that there's not much I can do to change that. It's *not* necessarily merely an attitude change, upon weighing it up, I'm not willing to risk my personal safety on the possibility that I might just be neurotic. And this isn't a story or a tv show where you ought to step out and do something different to make a positive change. This is my freaking body and my life! I'm not willing to risk myself in order to make a point about how I think I shouldn't be frightened.

Sorry, I am sort of incoherent about it. That's how it feels, though. The threat of it isn't something that I can overtly point out, but regardless the anxiety of it is utterly pervasive. And I don't think it's just me - it's societally pervasive too. Everyone talks ominously about women travelling on their own. Shit like Wolf Creek is made as exemplary of that anxiety. Even every time my safe communities wind up talking about misogyny and personal safety and danger again it just lathers on how fragile any sense of a woman's personal safety really is, and ultimately how vulnerable we are in the face of the attitudes about the sanctity (or lack thereof) of our selves and bodies that are out there.

But it's not just about danger and violence, eh, I think in a more diffuse sense travelling is different for women and men. A man is allowed to be a flaneur, is revered for going on a quest. Television is full of men being global flaneurs, travelling the world and giving us their personal take on it (touching on the edge of the massive, problematic paternalism of the continuous background hum of colonialism, heh). Where are the women travellers, explorers, flaneuses (sp?) on TV?

Even in my personal experience of interacting with strangers while travelling I've noticed the difference. Travelling with a bloke, I've witnessed people (shop clerks, bar staff, random strangers) respond to and engage with him with more warmth and friendliness than I generally experience (even before opening my mouth and revealing with my accent that I'm from a different part of the world). Getting easy affability from a stranger in my travels is rare and cherished, I expect indifference and, on occasion, hostility. A bloke, however, gets a sense of indulgent praise. (Though, maybe this is a response to a man and a woman travelling together, rather than a single one of either?)

Anyway. It's just been stewing in my head for a while.

ETA: As I've just said to

nixwilliams in an off-LJ conversation, I don't feel like I've made this post coherent enough. Though I intended this to be about what believe is a wider issue (thus posting this public rather than flocked with the inference that it's solely my neuroses), it's impossible for me to talk about this overall cultural/societal issue 'objectively', because it's not objective. The reason it's so important to me is because the affect of the issue is so personal.

On reflection, this post was mainly trying to get my thoughts in order on how the bigger picture is connecting to/influencing what I am personally experiencing. So, after doing that, here's what I'm trying to say:

There are pervasive societal attitudes when it comes to gender and travel - women are not supposed to travel alone. Being constantly told this through horror stories, real and fictional, both influences how *I* feel when I travel, but also how others behave towards me when I travel.

How much I let those responses affect me is also tied into a wider misogynistic attitude - where I'm constantly being reminded that violence etc towards women is pervasive (with victim blame etc), I'm not so willing to just "not let the travel anxiety affect me".

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*hugs you*

I think it's societally pervasive and it's incredibly hard to work with. You want to be safe, you really, really, REALLY want to be physically and mentally unharmed so working out if it's real, or a construct and what that means for you is incredibly difficult.

I can say from my own experiences that I experienced far more violence from people I knew than strangers. I can say that statistically it's the people who care, who care enough to hurt you. But it's still a risk and you can only measure how much of that risk you are willing to take and balance that with your own personal needs.

I'm sorry you're feeling that way and that it is affecting your joy in traveling.

*grins* What about traveling in drag?

I can say from my own experiences that I experienced far more violence from people I knew than strangers. I can say that statistically it's the people who care, who care enough to hurt you. But it's still a risk and you can only measure how much of that risk you are willing to take and balance that with your own personal needs.

Yup. And I realise that demographically speaking, I'm also unlikely to experience violence, but. I can't help but be affected by the pervasive insistence that I am at risk. It is what feels like an impossible thing to balance, especially when I'm on my own, sigh.

Thanks <3

yes, yes, yes. i've actually been thinking about writing something on the walking blog about all the terrific adventures had in travel writing . . . by passing-as-heterosexual, cis, white men. i mean, i love nicholas crane, and i think two degrees west (http://www.travelliterature.org/reviews/twodegrees.shtml) actually shits all over notes from a small island (or maybe i can just relate to it more?), but i'm still . . . can you see a black man easily being able to get these stories out of gruff landlords? do you think the army would treat a woman asking to cross their firing range with the same respect? would a trans and/or visibly queer person be so comfortable marching through the backwaters and presumably having to wash in public? (and this doesn't even begin to touch on the able-bodied privilege of a lot of travel in general.)

and what does it say that as i pass more and more as a guy, it's as though i find these adventurous possibilities opening up to me? it's not just "check out what i did!" coming from these narratives, it's "you could try something like this, too!"

in essence: IAWTP.

heya, ok, so everyone else has responded in a really, really different way than i did. feel free to ignore this comment if it was not what you're after!

For the most part I travel everywhere on my own (holidays and such) and have to say I haven't experience indifference or hostility. Generally people especially abroad fall over themselves to be nice and helpful. Hell even in New York people tend to be politer than here. I don't know - I'm all of 5ft 2 so maybe they're all looking to be helpful to the "little girl" but most people are warm and friendly - its actually pretty rare for me to come across someone who isn't.

Indifference isn't necessarily rudeness, people are generally polite and it's rare that I have complaints. But I've noticed considerably more warmth directed towards my male travelling companion. As I've said in my ETA, I do feel that the looming attitude of "women shouldn't travel on their own" influences how people behave towards me when I'm travelling on my own.

Interesting. Again I've never had that. I'm an independent soul and often give out vibes of "Do not approach" when overseas but when people do speak to me they are always kind and sweet and usually awed that I'm travelling somewhere alone. I've had a lot of "Aren't you brave?" type comments which has always amused the hell out of me.

I don't know as I said maybe my physicality coupled with the "innocent abroad" air which I find is useful to adopt causes people to be more open than normal but I tend to get people wanting to look after me and tell me all about England when I just want to be sat in peace! Never have I once felt that someone was judging me because I was travelling alone - I got a "You're on your own? that's crazy" from a couple of employees at the St Lucia hotel I was staying in but that sentiment was swiftly followed by them cheekily giving me their room numbers.

Even in Hong Kong and China any lack of enthusiasm was more to do with me being a "foreign devil" than anything to do with me personally.

It's possible that I am ridiculously naive -- but most of the time I do not think about risks to personal safety. Sometimes I blunder into online discussions about misogyny and personal safety, and I usually back out of those discussions in a hurry -- not because I want to be blind to the dangers, but because I don't want to have them exaggerated in my mind.

I truly believe that most people are good and friendly and kind, and I give them every chance to be that way.

Occasionally there are scary people and arseholes, and they do frighten me, but not so much that I let them restrict my freedom of movement. Any time there are three or more people gathered together, odds are that two of them are decent people, and I rely on the decent ones being allies against the arseholes.

This is absolutely not a suggestion that you do the same! It's good to listen to your inner voice and do what is right for you. Just wanted to mention it as an idea to consider.

PS. Did you get my email about your finished socks? They are all ready to fly over to you.

I don't think I over-exaggerate dangers in my mind... I mean, I know I'm a bit over-anxious, but largely it's not prohibitively so - I mean, I'm over here, aren't I? and have explored plenty on my own, and nothing bad has happened to me.

I think what I'm getting at is that I'm pissed off that my inner voice is on this stuff is due to what are really disparate attitudes when it comes to the personal safety of women and men when travelling alone.

The vast majority of the time, yeah, I do manage to convince myself that I'm not surrounded by non-decent people, and do get out and explore a lot. I'm not frustrated by the thought that i'm not safe, but by the fact that i feel like i have to constantly question whether i am.

Yup, got the sock email, yay! I am going to give you my address when I get to London, as I'm only short-term here.

I think I get you better now, and it's possible that I train myself to be as oblivious as possible to the disparate attitudes that you mention. You are right: they exist. I just like to act as though the things I don't like, don't exist. Which is denial rather than intelligent engagement with the world, perhaps. Um, oh dear.

You have indeed explored plenty! I am envious and want to be exploring too!

I never had the chance to travel on my own when younger (and my 'younger' was during a very different time), but do so every chance I get now...lol I am old enough, and confident enough (Now, emphasis on NOW) and just am the type who puts on her adventure-cap and goes for it. I expect to be respected and treated fairly, and rarely, rarely am not.

Am I cautious? Sure, of course I am. I plan ahead (okay when I travel with Nick, HE plans ahead--and don't assume because he's the guy that I'm not the one who is the leader, because I am. He's a shy little boy lol), make myself aware of areas or situations that might not be in my best interests. My daughter is 20 and is like me--she happily throws herself into new situations and adventures, into traveling and challenging herself with new situations (she is majoring in public relations, and finds this super-easy)--but, I have, at least I hope I have, instilled the urgency of common sense into her. I worry about her, sure--but I'd drive myself insane if I didn't trust her to be smart (and my son too--though I probably worry about him more than I do her!)

I decided when I became single five years ago that I would embrace what time I had left on this planet to explore and do and see as much as I could, and dammit, I deserved the right to do that. I spent a lifetime of letting other factors (and people, my spouse) keep me from doing this, and sure, part of it was entrenched in fear...mostly fear that I wouldn't be able to handle new situations on my own because I simply didn't have the experience yet.

It took time, and yeah probably getting older and fiercer due to the circumstances thrust on me, but I did find my way through the mire, and discovered that I really love new situations, exploring, meeting diverse people, etc.

I felt very safe in Wales, in London, running around Cardiff. Sure we took care to stay in better areas, and we had our own transportation, and I had the Supreme Navigator, but there wasn't a single place we went, or walked (and we did TONS of walking all over) that I felt threatened, worried, treated unfairly. Not once.

I didn't start exploring the world and seeing amazing new things until I was 42 years old. Sounds really sad, doesn't it? I think so. Trust your instincts, but try to push them too where you can. It will become easier over time, but give yourself that chance if you are able, taking babysteps along the way. there's nothign wrong with that.

hmm. i'm unclear as to what you are specifically worried about. what would constitute putting yourself "at risk"? i think it's always advisable to be *mindful* - keeping an eye on your stuff, making sure you know how to get back home after a night out, not standing around looking "lost". but that would apply to men as well.

also, if you're feeling uncertain, this will almost certainly be transmitted through your body language, which might explain why you perceive how others are received differently.

b.x :)

Travelling as a single woman, and as one of a pair of women, I've never had any problems at all (apart from my own anxiety disorder). Everyone has always been friendly and helpful, even to two women sharing a bed in small rural towns. And it's not because I'm open and friendly - I'm very shy and uncomfortable around strangers. Can you listen to your specific fears, rather than just bundling them together as "neuroses" and maybe address them singly so they're not overwhelming? What specific things are you worried about, and how can you ameliorate each fear?

I am not afraid to travel; I do it alone quite frequently, but it's not adventure travel - it's for business and involves a plane trip, a hotel, meetings, dinner, hotel, meetings, dinner, maybe some sightseeing if I am VERY lucky.

I can't even WATCH Wolf Creek or Deliverance or Brokedown Palace or traveller-in-danger tales, really. They're taking that fear of strangers and unfamiliar circumstances and using it to creep people the hell out. On the other hand, I also wouldn't go backpacking by myself in countryside controlled by warlords or something. Hell to the no. Risks for the sake of being risky are pointless.

Do you feel particularly physically vulnerable in general? I'm tall - taller than the average guy. This probably makes a difference, too.

Kate Humble, Bethany Hughes, Alice Roberts, Julia Bradbury are all globetrotting female presenters. There are female explorers and scientists out there going to farflung locales for their work, you just need to look out for them a little- we don't hear about scientists unless their work is interesting and we don't hear about explorers of any stripe because the schedules are clogged with ageing commedians giving us their ~~assholes~~ opinions on everything on their roadtrips.

I don't give a shit about Stephen Fry wandering round the US in a taxi. I want to hear about Alex Tolstoy's horse-trekking business in Mongolia. Ellen MacArthur sailing around the world solo. Or the paraplegic who set up her own business doing adventure holidays and treks for disabled people. She went on a BBC programme about disabled people trekking across S. America and now does that as a career.

I went to Europe on my own for 2 months when I was 22 and it was a very fun experience but I swear everyone EVERYONE was shocked when they found out I went alone. Nothing bad happened on the trip, because I did go solo I was able to just go where events took me and I ended up meeting my husband as a result. My parents were anxious I think the entire time I was gone afraid for me. I think if I were a guy the sense of shock and worry would have been much less. I wasn't feeling anxious until my dad kept going on and on about not taking drinks from strangers, avoid Russia and etc....He kept coming up with more bad stuff that could happen! And I'm like dude, I already have my ticket! I'm going!

I went to Europe for nine months when I was 18 and spent the first half or so hitchhiking. Never got hurt, although scared once and grossed out once. I cannot believe my mom let me do this! It was fabulous and I had a fantastic time, people were mostly very nice to me, partly because I expected them to be. The librarians at Aberystwith let me see the Red Book they have there because I was so enthusiastic. The people at the Tower of London let me go up and look at some of the arms and armor because I was sad when when it wasn't on display.

It's not to say that it's your fault, that I got stuff because I was cheerful or cute. But there is a dynamic between what a person expects (and therefore expresses non-verbally and subtly) and how people respond to that person. Maybe traveling with your friend will help you relax and enjoy it all more?

it just lathers on how fragile any sense of a woman's personal safety really is

Thanks for this post. I can entirely relate to what you said. There have definitely been places I wanted to travel in the U.S. but I didn't think it would be safe to go on my own. My tastes are kinda offbeat, so I also haven't been able to convince pals to accompany me. I haven't had anything bad happen yet (knock on wood), but I think I also really circumscribe my itinerary, so maybe I avoid those experiences that might be more different--but also more enriching. (I've never read Notes from a Small Island, been to England, nor seen Wolf Creek, so please feel free to ignore my comment if it's irrelevant.)

I was talking with my friend yesterday and she had just met a fellow from South Korea, new within the month to the U.S. The fellow mentioned how he didn't feel safe walking around alone at night and he hadn't ever had this feeling in his life back at home. I did try to feel sympathetic, but I was thinking, "I'm sorry to hear that you don't feel safe walking around alone at night, but hey, welcome to lots of people's everyday existence!"

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