Sam doesn't strive or long for normalcy - he's after a balance between both parts of his life where he gets to have everyone he loves. Think about it - the only time in the entire canon we see him actually happy is in the pilot, that tiny slice of time between when Dean pulls up outside his apartment and he opens his eyes to see Jess pinned to the ceiling.

Think of when we see Sam before Dean turns up in his apartment the first time - he's not entirely happy, is he? He's somewhat melancholy, somewhat conflicted. He won't accept the complete normalcy of that 'normal' life, won't partake in the whole Halloween thing. When Dean turns up, Sam's reluctant to go with him - he stresses to Dean that he's not about to abandon his 'normal' life and give in entirely to the hunt again.

So, think of that little slice of time... Dean drops him off, Sam is happy - happy both because he's come back home at the end of the hunt, and happy because he had a good time with Dean, on the hunt. He agrees, yes, they made a good team. He doesn't say "I can't believe you made me do that, never come back"; he says "call me if you need me". AKA, that was fun, let's do it again. And I can come back home at the end of it.

He has Jess, he has a home, and he has Dean and the thrill of the hunt. I went over that footage closely when I was vidding and dude, as early in the piece (and thus not perfectly-established characterisation yet) as it was, at that moment, Sam was content. This is what he wanted all along - it was John who told him "if you go, stay gone" - I don't think Sam ever wanted that.

So when Jess goes up in flames, it's not the fact that the evil has taken away his normal life and left him with this awful life of hunting, it's that it's taken away his balance, ruined that perfection that he'd only just achieved. That's what he's fighting for - the right to not choose between one or the other, but to have both (to do away with the heirarchy/binary of normal/other or allowed/taboo). Which is actually possible. Which happened, in the pilot - the only thing that stopped it was whatever killed Jess.

So like, that conversation in Shadow that everyone is so het up about... I can't hate Sam for that, because I don't think Dean's perspective on that (which is what we are essentially getting), which has to choose one or the other, is necessarily accurate... Sam says he wants his 'normal' life back once they've killed the demon, but he never says anything about Dean not being a part of that (but because Dean has to choose, for him Sam + no hunting = no Dean). Which is why drvsilla's Maybe gives me a heart-clutch for that option that somehow we didn't automatically consider; that we could have both Sam's need for home and domesticity and Dean's living-for-the-hunt - and thus their need for each other still fulfilled.


But then, there are instances here and there where the text suggests that Sam isn't allowed to have both that he does have to choose - and I think sometimes this 'there-will-be-consequences' element to it slots in with the queer reading; I'm thinking now of the woman in white from the pilot and her "you will be [unfaithful]" - because by partaking in both lives, loving and being with both Jess and Dean, he is being unfaithful - he has to be faithful to one life or the other, and the narrative will ultimately make sure of that somehow (the foreshadowing of which makes me somewhat sick and anxious).

I finally got around to scanning some prints from my latest batch - post-bushfire. 3 behind the cut. some adjustments of levels and hue/saturation to closer reflect what i envisaged when pressing the shutter release; before the changes made by the scanner!

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More to come.