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Sam doesn't strive or long for normalcy - he's after a balance between both parts of his life where he gets to have everyone he loves. Think about it - the only time in the entire canon we see him actually happy is in the pilot, that tiny slice of time between when Dean pulls up outside his apartment and he opens his eyes to see Jess pinned to the ceiling.
Think of when we see Sam before Dean turns up in his apartment the first time - he's not entirely happy, is he? He's somewhat melancholy, somewhat conflicted. He won't accept the complete normalcy of that 'normal' life, won't partake in the whole Halloween thing. When Dean turns up, Sam's reluctant to go with him - he stresses to Dean that he's not about to abandon his 'normal' life and give in entirely to the hunt again.
So, think of that little slice of time... Dean drops him off, Sam is happy - happy both because he's come back home at the end of the hunt, and happy because he had a good time with Dean, on the hunt. He agrees, yes, they made a good team. He doesn't say "I can't believe you made me do that, never come back"; he says "call me if you need me". AKA, that was fun, let's do it again. And I can come back home at the end of it.
He has Jess, he has a home, and he has Dean and the thrill of the hunt. I went over that footage closely when I was vidding and dude, as early in the piece (and thus not perfectly-established characterisation yet) as it was, at that moment, Sam was content. This is what he wanted all along - it was John who told him "if you go, stay gone" - I don't think Sam ever wanted that.
So when Jess goes up in flames, it's not the fact that the evil has taken away his normal life and left him with this awful life of hunting, it's that it's taken away his balance, ruined that perfection that he'd only just achieved. That's what he's fighting for - the right to not choose between one or the other, but to have both (to do away with the heirarchy/binary of normal/other or allowed/taboo). Which is actually possible. Which happened, in the pilot - the only thing that stopped it was whatever killed Jess.
So like, that conversation in Shadow that everyone is so het up about... I can't hate Sam for that, because I don't think Dean's perspective on that (which is what we are essentially getting), which has to choose one or the other, is necessarily accurate... Sam says he wants his 'normal' life back once they've killed the demon, but he never says anything about Dean not being a part of that (but because Dean has to choose, for him Sam + no hunting = no Dean). Which is why
drvsilla's Maybe gives me a heart-clutch for that option that somehow we didn't automatically consider; that we could have both Sam's need for home and domesticity and Dean's living-for-the-hunt - and thus their need for each other still fulfilled.
But then, there are instances here and there where the text suggests that Sam isn't allowed to have both that he does have to choose - and I think sometimes this 'there-will-be-consequences' element to it slots in with the queer reading; I'm thinking now of the woman in white from the pilot and her "you will be [unfaithful]" - because by partaking in both lives, loving and being with both Jess and Dean, he is being unfaithful - he has to be faithful to one life or the other, and the narrative will ultimately make sure of that somehow (the foreshadowing of which makes me somewhat sick and anxious).
Think of when we see Sam before Dean turns up in his apartment the first time - he's not entirely happy, is he? He's somewhat melancholy, somewhat conflicted. He won't accept the complete normalcy of that 'normal' life, won't partake in the whole Halloween thing. When Dean turns up, Sam's reluctant to go with him - he stresses to Dean that he's not about to abandon his 'normal' life and give in entirely to the hunt again.
So, think of that little slice of time... Dean drops him off, Sam is happy - happy both because he's come back home at the end of the hunt, and happy because he had a good time with Dean, on the hunt. He agrees, yes, they made a good team. He doesn't say "I can't believe you made me do that, never come back"; he says "call me if you need me". AKA, that was fun, let's do it again. And I can come back home at the end of it.
He has Jess, he has a home, and he has Dean and the thrill of the hunt. I went over that footage closely when I was vidding and dude, as early in the piece (and thus not perfectly-established characterisation yet) as it was, at that moment, Sam was content. This is what he wanted all along - it was John who told him "if you go, stay gone" - I don't think Sam ever wanted that.
So when Jess goes up in flames, it's not the fact that the evil has taken away his normal life and left him with this awful life of hunting, it's that it's taken away his balance, ruined that perfection that he'd only just achieved. That's what he's fighting for - the right to not choose between one or the other, but to have both (to do away with the heirarchy/binary of normal/other or allowed/taboo). Which is actually possible. Which happened, in the pilot - the only thing that stopped it was whatever killed Jess.
So like, that conversation in Shadow that everyone is so het up about... I can't hate Sam for that, because I don't think Dean's perspective on that (which is what we are essentially getting), which has to choose one or the other, is necessarily accurate... Sam says he wants his 'normal' life back once they've killed the demon, but he never says anything about Dean not being a part of that (but because Dean has to choose, for him Sam + no hunting = no Dean). Which is why
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But then, there are instances here and there where the text suggests that Sam isn't allowed to have both that he does have to choose - and I think sometimes this 'there-will-be-consequences' element to it slots in with the queer reading; I'm thinking now of the woman in white from the pilot and her "you will be [unfaithful]" - because by partaking in both lives, loving and being with both Jess and Dean, he is being unfaithful - he has to be faithful to one life or the other, and the narrative will ultimately make sure of that somehow (the foreshadowing of which makes me somewhat sick and anxious).
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my brain has pretty much set up house in Supernatural. so, it is in a shiny place. yes.
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I think you're right.
I never expected this show would be interesting, darnit.
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I don't think I expected this show to be much more than a standard boy!Charmed with less babies and more
mullet rockguns.no subject
And also, Supernatural. In case you didn't notice.
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*er, head-over-heels love.
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I've always thought this, and it's one of the things the show has been more subtle about maintaining or coming back to. Even in Scarecrow, after their big argument, Sam tells Dean that if Dean wants his help, just ask. And in Shadows, when Sam says, "Dean, we are a family," you can tell that he totally believes that -- that can have the closeness Dean wants despite the distance. The problem is that Dean doesn't comprehend that.
And it makes sense, I think. Dean's got some self-worth/abandonment hang-ups, and the fact that Sam's girlfriend was killed as soon as Dean came back into Sam's life probably doesn't help. Dean, I think, needs Sam to spell it out for him or somehow prove that going to college doesn't mean rejecting Dean. That they can (disregarding whether the narrative will allow it or not) find a balance, because Dean won't get that automatically. Up to now, every time someone's left him, that's it. They just leave, and Dean's easily dismissed, and he doesn't want that to happen again, especially not with Sam.
It always suprises me how happy they both are during that weekend in the Pilot. Like, wow, this could have been a very different show.
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I love those two. And the way it's written (and performed), oh! so not-subtly but subtle all the same because because because... yeah.
Like, Something Wicked, how Dean can totally have a teary flashback and tell Sam all about it, but when Sam says "I know why you follow orders, now" Dean's all like "OMG KILL ME NOW, NO CHICK FLICK MOMENTS".
I heart them all to an extremely unhealthy degree.
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They are so awesome. I LOVE MY SHOW.
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I LOVE YOUR SHOW TO. I MEAN MY SHOW. I MEAN OUR SHOW. I MEAN THE SHOW.
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Plus, Scarecrow - AKA If You Love Something Set It Free - proves that Sam is Dean's: When Dean sets him free, he comes back.
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Another moment I always think of is at the end of Hookman, where Dean's all "you know, we can stay..." which is like, total BS and Dean is a big fat liar. But that's ok, because of course Sam is going to turn down that offer. Yeah.