1. John carrying baby/toddler Sammy in a papoose. Preferably during a hunt. In pursuit of something. (Think: Manly waddle.)

2. Sammy, age 9. Learning the "MY DING-A-LING! MY DING-A-LING! I LIKE TO PLAY WITH MY DING-A-LING!" and singing it on repeat at top volume during a 12-hour car ride. Bonus points for 13-year-old Dean laughing and singing along for the first 40 minutes, then putting on his headphones and mouthing Metallica's Kill 'Em All while staring out the window for the next 11 hours while John grits his teeth and wrings the steering wheel.

3. John giving the birds and bees talk. Needing lots of liquid courage to do so. Sitting the boys down,
John: "boys... *hic* when a man and a woman love each other very much..."
Dean:"aw, jeez, no, cmon dad I'm TWELVE!"
Sam: O_o or possibly D:
John: "Like your... M-mother and I did... They... Have pretty hair... *sniff* and wear... summer dresses... *hic, sob*"
Dean and Sam would look at each other and Sam would be all "CAN I GO BACK TO PLAYING WITH MY TRANSFORMERS NOW THIS IS BORING"
John: "Dean, did I ever tell you about the time you were *hic* conceived?"
And Dean would be all "HAHAH I THINK YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH DAD TIME FOR BED" and just tip John over and pull the covers up over his head.
And then later they would be playing and Dean would think "aw, shucks" and say, "hey, Sammy... When a mommy transformer and a daddy transformer love each other very much......."
And it would be many years until Sam stopped asking John confusing questions about transformer anatomy. And referring to his own as "laser gun attachments" and stuff. "I CAN COME ON A HUNT, DAD! I CAN USE MY LASER GUN ATTACHMENT!" Complete with sound effects every time he goes to the bathroom.

Um.

4. Sam learns to drive. Every time he and John get in the car with the intent of having a 'lesson', it ends... violently. "NO NO NOT THE BRAKE, THE CLUTCH! THE CLUUUUUTCH!" "STOP YELLING AT ME! I KNOW WHAT I'M DOING! AAAARRGH!!!" So from then on DEAN takes the responsibility of teaching Sam to drive. Which results in a lot less tantrums, but also Sam sort of. Kind of. RunningJohndowninthedrivethisonetime. What? It was an ACCIDENT! John was just, you know, walking back up the drive after his morning run and Sam kind of. Put his foot on the gas instead of the brake and he was in reverse at the time, but... oops? Dean kind of had hysterical laughter face-first into his pillow, later. Much, much later, after he'd stopped shaking and had iced and splinted John's ankle and set him up in front of the TV with the remote and a bottle of vicodin.

5. When he's still young and impressionable, so, under age 10; Sam goes through a phase where his musical likes and dislikes spur from whatever's playing in backwater diners. So he is rather fond of the likes of Cyndi Lauper. In fact, this one time Dean even picks up a battered banana-yellow walkman with the foam headpiece covers missing and a case-less cassette of the "She's So Unusual" album from Goodwill. John's pleased, because it means that Sam's more docile and less irritable during long car trips, but he and Dean also have to deal with Sammy's unconscious, tone-deaf mumbling along to song lyrics. And John can't help but kind of perk to attention whenever "oh daddy dear you're still number one" kind of squeaks out. Even after the five thousandth time. Still, they have the batteries running down to look forward to, where Sam's accompanyment slows and lowers pitch accordingly (Giiiiirrrrrrlllssss jjjjjuuuuuusssstttt wwaaaaaannnnnn.......). Good thing Dean keeps a spare back of batteries in his kit anyway.

... if it keeps up the trajectory of Season 1 providing bucketloads of glistening fanservice (see: flashback angst, two queens, vampires, wall-throwing, nair+shampoo, et al).

5. Playing doctor Winchester Family First Aid.

4. Werewolves.

3. Succubus. And one bro has to snap the other bro out of it/distract them somehow from the succubus/insert another thinly-veiled metaphor here.

2. Two words: Evil Dead.

1. Monsters = exploding monsters = Dean being covered in monster goo.

eta: thanks, ficbyzee:

0. Genderfuck.

-1. Bodyswap.

In the tradition of You Know You're Reading A Supernatural Fic When...


5. The Metallicar has an automatic transmission, because Dean isn't the kind of guy who likes wrenching around the gears and stroking her engine so she purrs; he just likes to slide the stick into 'D' and get going.

4. The Metallicar is at least 7' wide, providing ample room for two men over 6' tall apiece to do the horizontal hokey-pokey in the backseat.

3. Speaking of the backseat, it is the depth of at least a single bed, as it allows two rather built men over 6' tall apiece to tussle whilst naked over who gets to top, get off, then spoon whilst horizontal.

2. The Metallicar has a special kind of cruise control; the kind that kicks in and stops her from running off the road and into a tree whilst the driver is getting a blow job.

1. Speaking of the driver getting action, have I mentioned that the Metallicar has a special retractable steering wheel? This is another automatic feature that is initiated when a naked person is wedged between it and the driver's lap.

5. It's the Winchester way to repress one's emotions and never talk about one's feelings. This explains why, after the sudden and violent death of Momma Winchester, Papa pretended nothing was wrong, and they lived in picket-fence suburbia in a void of overt aggression until 20 years later when Sam went to off to college without saying a word and John didn't so much as raise his voice in protest. It's not like Dean ever told Sam his feelings on the topic, anyway, so no biggie.

4. Sam's pouring over a book in the library when suddenly his interest is peaked.

3. Sam always picks at a salad while Dean devours a giant bleeding hamburger (while simultaneously devouring the white-trash short-skirted hair-flipping waitress with his eyes) at The Diner Where The Truckers Look At Them Disapprovingly (Unless One Of The Winchesters Happens To Be A Girl, In Which Case The Kind Of Look Is a Little Different And The Remaining Male Winchester Must Punch Someone Right Now). This, of course, is all in character with the fact that when they go back to the hotel room Sam likes to be held down (and "oh! what a pleasant surprise this is!" thought Dean) while Dean fucks him.

2. "Dont call me Sammy its Sam" the younger man shouted at his brothers back, his hazel eyes crying for revenge.

1. Dean sensed movement in the hotel room and was awake instantly, his fingers tightening around the knife/gun/stake/whip under his pillow, keeping his eyes closed. The mattress dipped behind him, and then Sam was climbing into his bed, pressing his body up close behind Dean and sliding an arm around Dean's waist. It's okay, Dean finally relaxed. This is a gen fic.